When God Takes Away: My Miscarriage Story
Have you ever received a blessing that was taken away even before you fully enjoy it? When God gives, we feel blessed. When God takes away, can we still say that we’re blessed? I’d like to share with you this short-lived moment of how God gives and takes away something we’ve been wanting and praying for. This is my miscarriage story.
My Miscarriage Story with Anembryonic Pregnancy
On February 14, 2023, I tested positive in a pregnancy test. My husband and I were both thrilled for we have planned and prayed for this after waiting for several years. We told the news to our son that he would have a sibling soon to play with, and he was as excited as we were.
My first ultrasound showed that I had a subchorionic hemorrhage. I was afraid of what it may do to my pregnancy and I was told to be careful and avoid strenuous activities. After 2 weeks, I went back for a repeat scan. I was hoping that we would see a tiny baby in the scan photo, but the result was rather upsetting. There was still no embryo seen. It was supposed to be there in 6 to 7 weeks of AOG. The result suggested an anembryonic pregnancy or what they also call Blighted Ovum.
Anembryonic pregnancy happens when a fertilized egg implants in the uterus and a sac and placenta form and grow, but an embryo fails to develop. The direct cause of it is still unknown but some studies say that it may be due to chromosomal abnormalities in the fertilized egg. When the body recognizes abnormal chromosomes in the pregnancy, it would naturally stops growing.
When I got home, I hurriedly googled what it means. As I learned more about it, I started to cry. I knew already that something was wrong. Later in the afternoon, I showed the result to my OB and was informed that my pregnancy wasn’t viable in this case. She introduced Dilation and Curettage (D&C) to me and prescribed me medicine to help the miscarriage take its course. D&C is a procedure done to clear the uterine lining after a miscarriage.
Telling the Sad News
I waited for my husband to come home and tell the unfortunate news. I cried as I told him that there was still no baby seen and it suggested that I had a miscarriage. We both grieved that night. It felt unreal that something God gave you was taken away sooner.
Before we slept, I tried explaining the situation to our son, Josh. I told him we no longer have “Faith”. That’s what we named the baby if it will be a girl. When he understood that “Faith” just died like what happened to his grandfather, he cried inconsolably while touching and clinging to my tummy.
It’s heartbreaking to hear the sad news but it’s more heartbreaking to see your loved ones grieving because of your loss.
Come the next morning, I found myself crying while having my breakfast and listening to worship songs. It was like a gloomy feeling but it was also drawing me closer to the Lord. I would be in tears in my quiet times as I lift myself up to God.
A Spark of Hope
As days passed, I was trying my best to learn more about anembryonic pregnancy. I was googling it like crazy. This led me to read success stories of having Blighted Ovum. Some say that we should wait for weeks and have another ultrasound to confirm since I haven’t experienced bleeding yet. There were cases that the pregnancy was just delayed and the baby showed up a bit later.
It gave me a small spark of hope. On the other side, there was confusion deep within me. I know I have fully accepted that my pregnancy wouldn’t push through anymore and that this is God’s will for my own good.
I told the idea to my husband and to other family members to gather opinions. My aunt told me that even if I wait and let the baby carry on developing, it would not have been healthy.
Still, we wanted to give it a chance and decided not to take the meds and just wait for another two weeks to get scanned.
However, we all know how waiting can be so emotionally draining especially if you are eagerly expecting and hoping for something.
During that time that I have been praying to God, I asked him that if this pregnancy is really not his will, may He let me miscarry naturally soon so that we can already start healing, move forward, and start over again. After all, my husband and I have already accepted that painful news with the hope that God would bless us again with another joy. But if there’s still a chance for it to succeed then we will entrust everything to him. Funny, but I even talked to my body telling it that it knows what’s happening inside and what would be best for me. If it knows that the pregnancy would be unhealthy for me and my baby that’s why it didn’t let it progress, then help me make the miscarriage happen.
I remember that Friday morning on our way to my mother’s house, I prayed again to the Lord. Surprisingly, I started to bleed in the afternoon. I informed my OB right away and was advised that I be taken to the ER if I bleed profusely. That night, I began having mild cramps that slowly progressed to be very painful.
The Pain I Dreaded the Most
The next morning, I experienced the most painful cramps I’ve ever had. I haven’t understood what the word “excruciating” meant until I experienced it. What I felt was similar to what they call “labor pains” when a woman is about to give birth naturally.
When the pain was too much to bear, I woke my husband up and asked to be taken to the ER, IMMEDIATELY. That was past 7 in the morning. The way to the hospital felt like what I see in the movies. I was trying to stop myself from rushing my husband in his driving. I didn’t want to distract him as much as possible as he was also panicking. Thankful my sister was also with us to assist me as I stayed in the back seat helpless.
The pain was getting intense like I couldn’t hold it anymore. My hands were becoming numb and stiffened. My throat was already dry and it felt like I want to throw up. When we arrived at the hospital, I was hurriedly laid down onto the hospital bed. I kept asking the nurses to give me anesthesia or any pain reliever for I cannot bear the pain anymore. It was hard to talk and it was becoming hard to breathe. I couldn’t even respond to some of their questions because of what I was feeling. A nurse put a small paper bag onto my mouth and nose because she said I was hyperventilating already.
After a few minutes, the meds started to work and I felt a little better and calm. Then they took me to the operating room to have my D&C. The procedure took less than an hour. It all went well and I was back home the next day.
I’m grateful to my husband (my personal nurse) for taking care of me that whole time even when he also has some struggles. I thank God for giving me a caring doctor, friendly nurses, a comfortable room, and his faithful provision.
I breathed a sigh of relief when all of it was over. Finally, I could end that emotionally, physically, painful short phase in my life and we could start moving forward.
You Don’t Have to go Through Miscarriage Alone
In all this, I will still say, that the Lord is good.
I felt loved. I felt blessed. I felt like an overcomer.
The pain was real, but God is undeniably real. Once again, He displayed his power, grace, and love toward me and my family. He never made me feel I was alone in this journey. I was touched by how my husband, my son, and I grieved together as a family. A battle we experienced and had overcome with each other by our side. I didn’t feel alone for we were there to comfort each other. My extended family and friends were there to comfort us as well. It makes things bearable and somewhat easy to accept when you know you are surrounded by people who are willing to be there for you. I experienced the love of my family, relatives, and friends who expressed their concern and comfort for me.
We miss the baby we almost had, but we are full of hope that sooner or later God will grant us again the desire of our hearts. I have been through many difficult times in my life and I am confident that all that He allowed has a purpose. I may not see the bigger picture yet but I know His purpose is always for my good. I will surely treasure each moment of it, the invaluable lessons I learned, and God’s evident love and grace.
This experience also help me relate to moms who experienced the “dreaded” labor contractions. Just a background story, I never experienced active labor in my first pregnancy. I had an emergency C-section as advised by my doctor. I realized how strong and brave my mom is for having four normal deliveries to me and my siblings, and I admire her for that. I salute all the moms who have given birth and have endured the painful but rewarding process of delivering a baby.
Your Pain and Feelings are Valid
I shared my miscarriage story because I want to empathize with others who have gone through and still go through this painful loss. It is surprising to know that many women and families go through a miscarriage but some never speak about it. Others even had serious and complicated cases. Nevertheless, the trauma and pain it causes are real.
I was surprised to find out that two women also had D&C procedures that day when I had mine. One of the nurses who attended to me also shared that she had miscarried in her first pregnancy. Then I read from social media that an acquaintance shared they too are currently going through the same thing.
It can be a depressing, lonely, traumatic, and difficult season for others. I never wanted to sugarcoat this experience. But for those who had miscarriages, whether it’s Blighted Ovum, a missed abortion, or whatever type it may be, give yourself time to grieve. Your pain and feelings are valid. You don’t need to go through it alone. But never let the past take away the hope that God will make things beautiful in His time. That He can make things happen in His perfect time and perfect will.
At the end of the day, just like how Job cried this out amid his misery, the same will I say, “The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; Blessed be the name of the Lord.” (Job 1:21)